*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
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My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
so this horse walks into a bar
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.