Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
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Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human