Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
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Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.