This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
You Might Also Like
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Smile Twitter, Smile.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.