WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
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*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Y’all know who you are.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
My life coach traded me.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.