Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
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Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.