Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
You Might Also Like
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.