Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
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no regrets
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Britain be like
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.