Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
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The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Candles never taste the way they smell
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!