Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
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You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…