Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
You Might Also Like
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I’m aging like a fine banana
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I needed a laugh this morning.