Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
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Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run