Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude