Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
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Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I love the National Park Service.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving