Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
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BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
BRO LMFAO
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
me after drinking all the wine:
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*