@Tuna_Lover: Things to get done: Make coffee, Drive a train high on cocaine, Rent a lion to eat my neighbor's dog, clean up mess from that lion thing.
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@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you need a haircut ME: I do not WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping* ME: shhhh, she just had babies
@nigelgodwin: How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
@secondofhername: [if Lois Lane was a witness] Criminal: *puts on glasses* Lois Lane: I'm sorry, I've never seen this man before.