@Tuna_Lover: Things to get done: Make coffee, Drive a train high on cocaine, Rent a lion to eat my neighbor's dog, clean up mess from that lion thing.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@ruinedpicnic: [Friend opens Christmas present] Me: It's a lie detector Friend: Oh... I love it Me: (whispering) we'll see
@ValeeGrrl: Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was "bumpy." Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
@zachheltzel: Everything doesn't "happen for a reason." The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.