Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
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I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.