Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
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I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.