Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
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Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
peep davidson
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]