@shutupmikeginn: Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
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@BeardedSteel: Cat: Lame. Just lame. Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know. Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home. Me: ...ok
@angelunatic_: Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date Wrong We're sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
@SCbchbum: Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I'll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
@novicefather: [grocery store with 2yo] Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next? Me: a vasectomy