@shutupmikeginn: Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
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@sixfootcandy: My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I'm the only one not invited. Weird.
@shanethevein: Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in "I recommend the squirrel".
@AnitaHelmet: If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they'd shower more and fart less.
@avaricious1: How come the only people who can open childproof lids are children? My nephew charges me two vicodin just to open the bottle.