Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
You Might Also Like
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
the council will decide your fate
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME