@shutupmikeginn: Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
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@CulturedRuffian: Tim Burton could've saved a lot of money on 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.
@ParasiteHilton: "HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO" - Birds at 6AM
@Ristolable: Hi, I'm a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
@therealeatwood: [Someone spills a liquid] ME: [authoritative, like a surgeon] Get me some wet paper towels… [raising one eyebrow] AND some dry paper towels