@shutupmikeginn: Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
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@MonSwanson: I can't wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don't have a boyfriend "because I'm such a pretty girl". I'm a psycho, grandma.
@SocialExtortion: Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
@Six_Pack_Mom: *watching husband sleep* Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-" *husband snores* Me: "I can't live like this."