The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
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Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Alexa, make me look good naked.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself