All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.