Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
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the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.