Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
You Might Also Like
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
they really do be looking like this
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Become a minion. Get that bread.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.