If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
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My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?