Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
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Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
i hope my email finds you on fire