Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
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I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time