Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
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my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.