@pattioshankable: Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you...MUCH WORSE!
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@weinerdog4life: I hate when people talk to me while I'm using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like "Sir this is a display model at Home Depot"
@groovyspecs: Yeah, I'd like a job where I can spend more time with my dog. - me at the employment agency
@nealbrennan: People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
@TheToddWilliams: [boss's office] I'm tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray? "No, sir" I like your style, Murray.