DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
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a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.