What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
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*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?