MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
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You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it