There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
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Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Pizza is an emotion right?
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
plant them where lol
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.