@ieatanddrink: Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
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@JohnFugelsang: Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike 'flip-flop on issues' but the politicians we like 'evolve.'
@NYC_Blonde: My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he'd rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
@Arbitral: Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
@_NTFG_: DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven't gone off in years