@ieatanddrink: Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
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@bridger_w: If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I'll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
@abbycohenwl: Banker: You're sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works? Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
@VodkaThursday: I'm putting "open bar" on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn't mean u can skip it, slackers.