Think I pulled my liver
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Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”