Think I pulled my liver
You Might Also Like
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.