If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
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My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.