[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
You Might Also Like
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.