“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
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my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”