Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[at the general store]
me: one general please
But is it really??
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.