Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
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If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Childbirth is so beautiful
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.