@weismanjake: Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters
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@jimmytorosian: Wife: I told you to baby proof the house! Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
@iAmDelFreaky: Mom: Any big plans today? Me: Yes, of course, my friend is coming over and... Mom: The mail doesn't come on Sundays. Me: Oh, then no. :'(
@Tommytoughstuff: [Jail] INMATE: I killed a guy. SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.