I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
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[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn