I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
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Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.