Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Trumpy Cat
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
courtroom exchange of the day
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.