[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
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Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
The USS B port
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills