[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
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[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Comparing yourself to others
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
March 16
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.