FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
You Might Also Like
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Worth remembering.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right