Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
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How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.