@Parker_Simpson: Thinking ab including nude photos of me in my Tinder profile to weed out women who vomit easily
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@bourgeoisalien: No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother
@TheCiscoKidder: The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it's from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
@usermcuserface: Cop: Turn around Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round. Cop: Turn around! Me: Every.. *gets tased*