@Parker_Simpson: Thinking ab including nude photos of me in my Tinder profile to weed out women who vomit easily
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@EBenita0517: When ever a girl wears a shirt saying 'I Woke Up Like This' I resist the urge to say I'm sorry about that.
@SteveSuckington: Me: omg can smoking weed make u hallucinate? Dog making pancakes: lol that wasn't weed dude
@Underchilde: A friend was telling me about quantum mechanics and I told her how I hate it when the safety seal on ketchup leaves that clear film behind.
@GreenishDuck: You know that one cow in the field that's like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That's me. I am that cow.