Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
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I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.