thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
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Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
scenes of unspeakable carnage
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.