Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
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I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Spotted in New Orleans.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.