Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
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[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Who chose this font
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
This dude got his own movie?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.