Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
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I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.