Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
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HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
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FINAL OFFER
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FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
absolute chaos
Me trying to reach for my goals
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.